“Dry January” is an annual event where people are challenged to voluntarily abstain from alcohol for one month. Since many people report positive outcomes including better sleep, less anxiety and depressed mood, greater lucidity, more energy, and an opportunity to re-evaluate one’s relationship to alcohol, I'd like to suggest that as mental health providers we encourage an ongoing exploration of either abstinence or a reduction in drinking beyond January. To be even more specific, with single clients, it's important to process the extent to which drinking and drugging is happening before a date and during the date itself.
Inviting clients to notice their drug and alcohol consumption while on a date and the impact it has on their decision-making, sexual boundaries, and the ability to accurately assess the potential viability of their date as an ongoing partner is extremely important. It’s equally important to broach the subject of “pre-gaming,” using TCH products or drinking at home or in a nearby bar before going out on the actual date. Given the normal inherent anxiety that people often feel when meeting someone new, it’s not uncommon for people to mitigate their jitters, “feel more relaxed,” and “increase their confidence” by coming into the date in an altered or inebriated state of mind.
The current research corroborates that many singles either drink or use THC products before going out, and that nearly 50 percent drink an average of two to three drinks during the date. There are even online guides to pre-date drinking and “how to have sex under the influence of weed.” After Covid, many single people began meeting up again in bars, where alcohol can be relied on not only as a social lubricant but also a way to quell the anxiety and inherent vulnerability that “putting yourself out there” can evoke. And with the legalization and dubbing of marijuana as “medical,” many people are encouraged to eat edibles or smoke weed to “chill” or “calm their nerves” before an anxiety-producing encounter such as meeting in person someone you met on a dating App and have only interacted with through text messaging or phone calls.
Current research corroborates that many singles either drink or use THC products before going out.
Although clients will say that alcohol and THC products provide short-term relief by “loosening them up," boosting confidence, and making them feel “more relaxed,” those benefits are fleeting and chemically induced. Substance use impairs judgment and creates a false sense of comfort and connection. Initial positive reactions and first impressions about potential partners are colored and distorted by alcohol and drugs. The objective truth about feeling safe, the interplay of energy, personality traits, and genuine compatibility can only be assessed in a sober state. Sober dating also decreases the likelihood of prematurely engaging in sex or taking sex farther than intended.
Rather than numbing emotions, we should normalize the anticipatory anxiety that is often evoked when meeting someone new. We can encourage clients to trust that, if it's the right person, and a genuinely safe person, their anxiety will dissipate. If drugs or alcohol are used to mask insecurities or self-doubt, helping clients with positive self-talk and ego-strengthening, while role playing assertiveness, and installing confidence through enhanced verbal and non-verbal communication skills will be far more effective in the long run. In truth, the only way to get an accurate take on the other person, to truly assess if there is a real connection, and just as importantly, to be in touch with one’s own instincts about how it feels to be in their company, requires spending time with a date in a grounded, present, and sober state.
Here is a link to an interview I participated in on NPR discussing what dating and intimacy looks like without alcohol.
Valuable Resources
- Cannabis Use Disorder Identification Test-Revised (CUDIT-R)
- Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test- Consumption (AUDIT-C)