Even though we are currently surrounded with holiday music, houses decked out in  twinkling lights, and TV ads depicting families gathered around the turkey and the Christmas tree, it’s important to keep in mind this can be a time of great ambivalence and emotional overwhelm for many people. There is a universal expectation and cultural push to spend the holidays with family. We need to normalize for clients that this time of year can be filled with unique and difficult triggers including: feelings of loss and grief; resentment; guilt; anger; fear; anxiety; and even dread.

Clients who have worked long and hard in therapy to process and make peace with family-of-origin trauma, abuse, or neglect can experience significant dysregulation when envisioning a return to a family system and a familial environment that forces them to “travel back in time” and relive painful memories and experiences. Clients who have parents with substance abuse issues are easily retriggered as alcohol is so strongly associated with holiday celebrations.  Some families continue to demand a level of superficiality, secrecy, or denial about their dysfunction, and clients who have bravely faced the truth about their childhood experiences do not want to participate in playing “let’s pretend” at the holiday table.  Many clients have had to let go of getting an abusive family member to own or apologize for past maltreatment, yet being in their presence can evoke legitimate anger, even outrage.

Despite the pressure to go home for the holidays, many people deserve and need permission to safely and non-judgmentally process the options of either shortening or avoiding family visits that are toxic or make them feel emotionally or physically unsafe. In some cases, it’s understandable that a client might find it too emotionally uncomfortable to completely disconnect from extended family. In those cases, it’s worth exploring the strategies of setting limits or choosing to visit with “escape clauses” that provide an exit or excuse to leave if the gathering becomes negative, triggering, or abusive.

Clients need to be reminded that the holiday season should be a time of joy, safe celebration, introspection, peace, comforting rituals, and nourishing connections. Leaning into choices that allow them to access a sense of empowerment and control rather than helplessness or obligation should be the guiding light in their decision-making process.

Clinician Tips: Here are some suggestions to help navigate potential emotional minefields and vulnerabilities during the holiday season:

• Pre-plan“safe” conversations, consciously choose who to sit next to and who to avoid during a family gathering.
• Drive separately to family functions so you can leave when you choose, and stay at a hotel instead of the house you grew up in so you have safe space to re-group.
• Consider connecting with surrogate family and friends instead of toxic family, and create new holiday traditions that do feel safe and meaningful.
• Use resources such as 12 step meetings, online chat rooms, and support groups that reinforce the right to set limits while offering alternative venues for social gatherings
• Spend time doing volunteer work, focusing on altruistic endeavors that create perspective and rekindle a sense of gratitude.
• Consider the role that spirituality and ritual can play in adding comfort, new meaning, and new memories to this emotionally challenging time of year.